A Bajillion Naughty Monkey Headcanons

[murimurimuri]

● Since we never find out what his real name is, I like to think it's Dane Gustavia Jr, because I can't think of anything that would make him more unhappy.

● He never really had a mom. I assume his dad just kinda took him and walked out because I NO LONGER NEED YOU, WIFE, YOUR TASTE IN SWEETS IS INFERIOR!!!!

● Once he was taken to the orphanage he was a super introvert who quietly avoided other children. He was a total genius, but nobody noticed because of his total lack of interest in impressing or drawing the attention of others.

● Due to their close encounter with death, he was terrified of Knightley. Their new amnesiac friendship began as a result of fear, but quickly evolved into a sort of passive-aggressive dependency as Keyes realized that the larger and stronger Knightley would protect him. He'd continue to have uncomfortable frenemy feelings toward Knightley all the way to the end.

● Patty Roland named him, and the pun was completely intentional. In other words, she called him "shy monkey" until it stuck.

● The orphanage was probably full of all kinds of damn animals that really shouldn't have been there, thanks to Roland (she was only 18 when he was 6, but so help me if you can be a lawyer at 18 you can run an orphanage at 18). Because of that he grew an affinity for animals early, long before he started studying how to be a Disney princess from Regina.

● You could argue it either way, but I think he genuinely likes animals. It doesn't hurt that they're weaker than him and he can control them, but that's not the entire reason why.

● He never quite completely warmed up to Roland, as he spent his entire time in the orphanage bitterly pining for his dad, but he learned to play her early on. She was good to him for the first six years, and it completely took him by surprise when she turned on him. Keyes himself doesn't think of this as one of the things that fucked him up, but it absolutely fucked him up.

● He remembers his time in the orphanage as being dark and lonely, and Knightley and Roland as being enemies from the start, but there's a whole lot of cognitive bias going on there. It actually wasn't so bad, and despite everything else, if he hadn't witnessed that assassination he might have turned out all right (relatively speaking, anyway).

● Then again, that assassination was the most awesome and exciting thing he'd ever seen. DOGEN IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE.

● After he ran away, he lived on the streets for a long time. He never went to high school but he spent a lot of time in libraries teaching himself shit (also libraries have heat and air conditioning).

● It was only after he ran away that he started to get really nasty. He wasn't orchestrating murders back then, but bad things would mysteriously happen to anybody who messed with him.

● Possibly it's gratuitous to assume he was shacking up with older creepers in order to secure food and resources during that time, but also like... considering his raw drive for survival, penchant for manipulation, and the lengths to which he'll go to keep himself safe, it doesn't seem super out of the question that he'd acquire a sugar daddy or two along the way. Of course, once he got tired of them, he'd blackmail the shit out of them and ruin their lives.

● He also mooched off of Knightley a lot, hanging around wherever the guy ended up and dropping hints to Knightley's foster family like just maaaaybe he was being abused back at his (nonexistent) home in order to secure a free pass for meals and sleepovers

● Started dyeing his hair dumb colors as a teen and hasn't stopped since. It's more for disguise than fashion, and changes it up every few years, but it's always some variation of the color red.

● The second Dogen went to jail, Keyes taught himself braille and established contact.

● It took him like forever to save up enough money to hire Shelly. Even with blackmailing people.

● When he joined the circus, he moved into Acro's old room.

● Keyes ended up with Money because nobody wanted the kleptomaniac little shit. He worked his ass off training that monkey, and genuinely cared about the little guy, but true to form never forgave him after the end of the game.

● The only person in the Berry Big Circus that he likes is Regina, but he honestly does like and even somewhat respect her. I think it's pretty telling that he never gets mad at her even though she played a vital role in taking him down at the end of the game.

● Though I am also convinced that Regina was full of shit about the animals turning on him because he didn't think of them as real friends; she absolutely just out-princessed him and told them to attack. I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT THE NARRATIVE INTENDED BUT I DON'T CARE.

● He wasn't lying about having trained them to attack, though. He trained every single goddamn animal in that circus, right under Regina's nose.

● Keyes' fake persona is just that — fake — but there are certain ways in which it rings true. The cowardice, the social anxiety, and the compulsive lying are all genuine aspects of Keyes' personality, simply not in the way he's portraying them.

● Similarly, while sadistic bastard Keyes is significantly closer to how he feels on the inside than fainting waif Keyes, even that is just another act. Being an evil clown is his way of putting on a brave front.

● Due to the circumstances surrounding his crimes (and the fact that the only murder they can pin him as having done was in fact committed in self-defense), I think it's reasonable to say he probably didn't get the death penalty. The game seems to imply that he'll be happier in prison with Dogen as well, and I think that makes sense; it'll be the safest and most secure he's been in the past 12 years.

● The poor bastard already misses Knightley, though. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KILLED HIM THEN, SIMON. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?

● I also like to think that after the end of the game he becomes Dogen's successor. He doesn't have the nerves to be a hardcore stabby assassin, but he can definitely handle taking charge of Dogen's "dogs," and I assume by DD-era he's basically running the prison from the inside. NO ONE CAN STOP ME FROM THINKING THAT. :3c

● I also like to imagine that he managed to get his dad and Debeste's to kill each other while poor long-suffering Dogen just shook his head and made sure he didn't get caught. Possibly that one is less a headcanon than something I should write as a fanfic. EDIT: I WROTE IT

● Okay, okay, one more post-canon happy end prison headcanon and then I'll get back to things that are reasonable to assume, but he would totally become besties with Matt Engarde. The two of them hang out and drink, play with Shoe, bully newbies, and throw sharp things at a picture of Shelly de Killer that they glued to a dartboard.

● His taste for sweets is extremely refined; he can tell whether a dessert is well-made or not, and often what's in it. Of course, that doesn't stop him from hating all of them.

● Doesn't give a shit about the Steel Samurai or the Jammin' Ninja, but he does have a certain fondness for Global Hero Onyankopon.

● And finally, the most important thing: Keyes is on Team Ladder. Naturally, this makes Knightley Team Stepladder. My reasoning is that Keyes views it from the angle of "how is this object useful to me" and Knightley views it from the inferiority-complex angle of needing to be extra pedantic about exactly what kind of ladder it is.